This past couple weeks I’ve posted some vague things about going through something difficult. It’s been…a bit extra…and I just didn’t have it in me to sit down and try to write this out.
Words are really hard right now. How odd is that, for me? If you know me at all you know I’m wordy!
Then my brain is like PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE JUST DOING THAT FOR ATTENTION YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM WHAT’S GOING ON.
And I counter with, “No, actually, I don’t HAVE to tell anyone what’s going on. I am under zero obligation to do that.”
Because when you’re a recovering people-pleaser boundaries are somewhat new and sometimes you have to have them with your own self – and enforce them.
Also, OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FAR WORSE CHALLENGES THAN WHAT YOU’RE FACING, YOU KNOW…
Which I must counter with…that does not diminish the fact that this Big Thing in our life right now is really hard. I haven’t shared all the details. There’s other things we have to navigate, too, and I don’t see a way.
However, since I got all excited about switching from creating recipes to writing encouraging posts that means I need topics to write about.
Which I assumed I would get from simply going about the mundane tasks in my day. Like this post here, Messages in the Mundane: Lost Things.
You’d be surprised how often I get some epiphany while washing dishes or decluttering closets. The most amazing things drop into my mind and dots connect and WOW! I MUST SHARE THIS WITH MY PEOPLE!
Only, that just kind of…stopped. I’m not sure why or how, but the fountain of inspiration seemed to have dried up a lot, or got blocked somehow. Just when you think you’ve got things figured out….
God: I Have Inspiration For You…Oh, You Might Want To Buckle Up Though.
So, I really shouldn’t be surprised that the poo seems to be hitting the fan right now in our life.
I mean, I need inspiration and all. And fully expected it.
In abundance. It’s not disappointing me on that part…there is definitely ABUNDANCE, but not the kind of abundance I had in mind.
Abundant challenges are opportunities for abundant growth.
Please pardon the mismatched colors here on the blog, I’m working on changing the look of things here and it’s a slow process because I don’t know what I’m doing…learning on the fly though.
What better inspiration for encouraging others than going through hard times? Can one ever fully understand a situation someone else has gone through? We don’t have the same experiences or way of looking at the world, so we can only empathize to the degree of our shared experience.
Perhaps maybe how I navigate this similar situation can help someone else get through their own. And, it provides an opportunity for others to use their gifts of encouragement, understanding, or whatever they’re meant to do for others.
Since I’ve been throwing out hashtags like #positivity and #wordsmatter and #mindsetshift like confetti for several months, now I’ve got to walk it out.
And if I’m going to encourage others, I have to walk it out so those who need it, see it.
It’s OK To Have A Moment. And I’m Taking My Moment, Thank You Very Much.
Right now, I’m Having A Moment. Because, as I was so wisely reminded the other week, sometimes it’s ok to not be ok. Naturally, my Perfectionist Brain argues heavily with that.
So does Creative Solution Finder Brain. There’s CLEARLY A GINORMOUS PROBLEM THAT NEEDS SOLVING so we need to do that. Like, yesterday.
But it’s ok to just pause and take a moment. As long as you need is probably ok, too.
I allowed myself ONE DAY to have a moment, then the very next morning I wake up to more bad news.
Not really feeling it right now. But, here we are.
So What Is Going On?
Monday, March 25th
My husband had been having some abdominal pain for a little over a week and finally decided to get it checked out. It wasn’t constant and might have had other explanations so it didn’t seem urgent to him to go in sooner than that.
The doctor asked questions and poked around. I could tell by his face it was not probably not good.
Since it would take at least 2 weeks to get an appointment for the tests he wanted done, his advice was go to the emergency room because this can not wait. So we did.
A few hours later we hear that he has a baseball-sized mass on his left kidney.
Yeah, not what we want to hear at all.
His initial bloodwork came back normal so that looks promising. But until he is seen by the urologist and maybe more testing we really have no idea what we’re looking at.
Unless there’s a miracle between now and his urology appointment, he’s at least looking at surgery and being off work a while.
You try to keep your mind from going to all the Dark Places where the What Ifs lurk menacingly. But you know that’s what happens more often than you’d like.
Tuesday, March 26th
What the actual heck was that, yesterday? I’m Taking A Moment today. Well, as much of a moment as I can, I did have to work. But was blessed by the kindest soul. I needed that for sure.
Tomorrow I shall put on my Big Girl Pants and get to work.
Rolling up my sleeves and figuring out this Big Unpleasant Thing.
Wednesday, March 27th
I slept in later than I intended but when I looked at my phone, with the sleep still cozily wrapped around my mind, I had trouble understanding what I was reading.
Because my mom is messaging me that my dad is having a heart attack and they’re going to the hospital. And they’re at the hospital. And little updates.
I see the date March 27, 2024. I looked at it several times and thought I must have scrolled back too far to when my dad had a heart attack years ago – 18 years ago…long before smartphones! And mom didn’t text me then.
I finally woke up enough to realize what was going on.
What the actual heck?
Needless to say, I did not put on my Big Girl Pants And Get To Work that day. Or any day this past week, really.
Not at all what I had on my WONDER YEAR list.
When you’re expecting Big Wonders, I suppose you shouldn’t be surprised that Big Challenges come right before.
Always darkest before the dawn…
Don’t give up right before your breakthrough…
And probably a bazillion other things like this can be said, right?
Full transparency: I’m really struggling with all of this. I’m tired and don’t feel like being positive. I don’t want to do the Big Hard we’re facing right now.
None of us do.
But, here we are anyway. Doing life in spite of what tries to destroy us.
It might win. I know this. I don’t want to think of that but it’s a possibility for which I must be prepared.
I don’t know what God has in mind for this challenge. I don’t feel prepared or equipped at all. I guess that’s where faith is supposed to step up and fill the gap.
That’s struggling, too, if I may be perfectly honest. My physical eyes do not see a way out of this, even though deep inside I know there is a solution. There is always a way, you just have to find it.
I suppose it looks and feels hopeless right now because I DON’T HAVE ANSWERS. My brain wants information. It wants to know exactly what we’re facing so it can figure out solutions. But we have to wait for that so my brain is having a tantrum, I guess.
Gratitude Matters.
At the end of every day, though, I give thanks for all of the amazing people in our life. I am connected with some of the very best people on this planet. And that is no accident.
Everyone we are connected to is not by chance, but by design. Each one of us has a role to play in the lives of others. Some roles are very big, others something as small as a smile in passing.
That is how we get through all the things that get thrown our way.
I can’t thank you enough for the messages, offers of support, and prayers that are pouring out to our family right now.
And of course, we are connected to the source of all that is. The Miracle Worker. The Waymaker. The Ultimate Healer.
I may not know how this is going to work out, I just know that it will. It will be for good, even if we can’t see that now.
And we will not be the same.
I suppose we grieve that too, right?
Even that is for good.
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